LEGO my wallet

Jack Handey used to have a skit on SNL in the 90's called "Deep Thoughts". On the most memorable skit he talks about telling his niece and nephew that they're going to Disney Land, and instead driving to a burned out barn in a field, and telling them that Disney Land had burned down, just to watch them cry. This story very closely resembles our trip to LEGO land. Approximately 250 miles each way, we decided to search for a little family togetherness this weekend and take an overnighter to Kansas City.

My home town is wonderful. In Kansas City, I know all the places to eat, shop, avoid getting mugged, road shortcuts, traffic schedules, and we have friends to stay with so we don't have to cram all 5 of us into a hotel. It was kind of a no-brainer to head north for two days this weekend before we all go back to work and school after new years. The opening of Lego Land, and it's neighboring aquarium has made quite a buzz among my friends. So we made plans and off we went.

Never have I been so wrong. This saga starts out with me on the Internet, checking out Lego's website devoted to the new attraction. It talks a good game, ticket prices look reasonable for a family of 5, looks like there are some rides for the older 2 ( a 3D ride, and a Merlin's Magic ride), and a toddler area for the baby (duplo village), several "attractions" so they won't get bored and even a snack bar. I'd heard that they limit the amount of time you can stay in the building on one ticket to 3 hours. Well, if there's more than 3 hours of stuff for them to do, then it'll be great. Riiiiight.

We park at Crown Center and walk across the street to the Lego building and there's a HUGE wait. About an hour in line, and shockingly OUTSIDE. It's 34 degrees outside, snowing, and we have three babies under the age of 5 with us. I'm amazed that any place catering to kids wouldn't have an inside waiting area. Several people in line had infants, many had children without hats or coats sufficient for the duration of the wait in the snow. Because really, who plans for an hour wait outside?  My husband tucks our baby inside his jacket, and I gave my coat to our 2 year old to put over her coat because she was shivering. So already, this is a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. I can't walk away because the kids already know where we are supposed to be going, and I don't want to disappoint them. But I also don't want to wait outside in freezing weather with the kids.

There are heaters on the outside of the building, so I turn to one of the hundreds of workers standing around this place, seemingly doing nothing, and ask her if they can turn on the heaters since it's snowing and there's a long wait. She gives me a pitiful look and says "they are on." I told her that they wasted their money.

After the horrifyingly cold wait outside, we are given the chance to come in the building, and all three of my kids squeal in delight, or relief, I'm not really sure. We walk into the lobby, that's empty except for 5 or so people waiting to buy tickets. My husband looks around and observes that all the people waiting outside in the cold could easily fit inside the lobby. More dirty looks from the staff.

I tell the attendant/cashier that we have 2 free kids (2 and under), one child and two paying adults. She says that's $57. WHAT?!?!?!?!?? The web site says that a child and an adult is $20, additional adults are $10. She says that's an online price. I said that we tried to buy them online and it wouldn't process the purchase. She says that's because the tickets are sold out for today. I ask if the $57 is for tickets. She says yes. I'm annoyed. I can't understand why we had to wait outside for 40 minutes in the snow to pay twice the going rate. She says advanced purchase tickets have to wait too. I'm pretty sure I dropped the F-bomb. Several times. They know I'm a bitch, but I'm not going to back out and disappoint my kids. My husband says just pay the woman. Fine.

Tickets acquired, we going into an adjoining room with TV screens showing Lego cartoons, an attendant standing in front of a bank of elevators, taking tickets and putting people in the elevators by groups. It looks like an intro to some Willy Wonka type fun house. I'm pissed. Cold. And out $57. This better be good. I'm also a wee bit heartened by the fact that hundreds of people are here to see this attraction, surely it must be good. We get into the elevator, and the attendant says they're going to show us how Lego's are made, off we go.


Elevator doors open in a small room, maybe half the size of my kitchen. There's a window showing some geeky guy, prolly making six figures, using auto-cad software to design Lego models. There's a turn crank that's supposed to show them pushing plastic beads into a heater to melt them down, and a pull handle to show pressing the toys into molds. There's also a scale that takes your weight and tells you how many Lego's you are equal to. I'm not impressed. There's no explanation to these displays, they aren't really very fun, informative, there's no flow so you can see the stages of making Lego's, no narration. I can see my kids are confused, and bored. My daughter is trying to twist the head off the one Lego statue in the room. There's a stamping station for you to make some type of explorer book by stamping that you've completed each station. I ask the attendant (holding her jacket and a Starbucks cup, is she on break? Who knows,) where we get the books. She tells me that you have to print them out online. Awesome. There's a line that goes into the next room's activity. My husband is telling me how super excited he is because the next room is going to be the awesome part. Surely. He's holding the baby, and I'm trying to act like my son and daughter aren't mine, since at this point I've given up keeping them occupied, and they're running rough shod like hooligans, when an attendant comes over and asks us if we even want to wait for the 3D ride that's in the next room. Huh? Why wouldn't I want to ride the ride? I paid to get in, right? I think she thought she was being nice. Nice would have been a discount for everything this far being so boring.

3D ride was cool. Basically you get into a little cart that has Lego shaped guns and you ride through a firing arcade type tunnel. Takes maybe 4 minutes. I out shot my husband :)

The next room is dark. Like a closet dark. There are tons of models of buildings that they've made out of Lego's, then put them in a room that's too dark to actually see anything. There are boxes that have buttons on the displays, I'm sure you're supposed to hit the button and make a light go on and they say what the building is. They're broken. I see my husband point to a model and hear him say to my oldest son "that's this building, and where we waited forever in the cold." We fast foreword on.

Duplo Village. The toddler area. I was excited, then I realized that it's only about 5' square, has some rubberized over sized Lego blocks and is filled with older kids instead of actually being a toddler area. Too small and dangerous for the baby, we truck on.

About 1/4 of the area of the floor is taken up by the Lego Cafe. It's empty. We aren't hungry anyway. There's a movie screening area right across from there with a sign that informs movies begin every 15 minutes. I can't get my kids to stand still for 2 minutes, they're constantly in search of the Lego's in this Lego land, so we skip the film and head for the far corner.

The corner has an area where you're supposed to build different experimental race cars out of provided bins of Lego's. Baby's headed for a diaper change with dad, so I take the older kids and head for the building stations. There are no wheels. My son finds one wheel on a toy axle and tries to race his "car" on the "testing stations" set up for the cars you're supposed to be making. He gets pushed out by the older kids. One of the older kids has a bucket full of wheels. We move on.

I'm seething by now. The thousands of kids in this place aren't being parented or supervised in any way. My kids can't get a hold on any Lego's at all. We pass a maze type play area brimming with screaming kids. Their parents are sitting on the floor, outside the play area, watching the kids, so you can't walk through the area. These people really should be directed to sit in the empty cafe. Except all you can see from the cafe is the movie theater.

The last "attraction" on the whole floor is Merlin's Magic ride. It's a glider you pedal up into the air and it goes around like a carousel. My son loved it. The line's pretty short, maybe 5-10 minutes per turn around. Pretty neat ride. On return trip, since I have to ride with the kids and each glider only holds two, I realize my daughter is too short to be allowed on. Maybe they could have said something about that downstairs. I'm jokingly saying in line that all the dozens of workers at Lego land look like they've stepped on a dead frog. Some mixture of revulsion, resignation, and horror masks all their faces. The only bright spot in the day was the Merlin's operator, Kelley. Lovely young girl, allowed my daughter onto the ride. Thank GOD, because the tantrum would have been epic. I inquire as to the possibility that we can do the 3D ride again. That's a no-go. Of Course.

We've been here about 3 hours waiting in various lines, exploring all the things that we can't do, can't get close to, can't find parts for or are disappointed in and head for the descending elevator. My husband and I are looking for the Lego Sculptures, the guided activities, narrators on the making or building design process. I want a photo booth made entirely of Lego's, a guy wearing a Lego suit, a computer that makes your picture into Lego characters,  possibly a take home Lego man, or coloring book, anything to show that this 3 hour block wasn't a complete waste. It doesn't come. It's like they spent all their money on this new building, they didn't have enough money for any neat things inside. Lego really needs to hire a new creative director. Or call me for some ideas.

You exit through the gift shop, and my normally mild mannered husband says he'll be damned if he will give this place another dime of his money. We both feel cheated and agree that we should have taken the $57 to a toy store and bought Lego's to take home and play with, or gone to Kaleidoscope, the Coterie Theater or the Crayon attraction all of which are in Crown Center. Next time, I'll take a page from Jack Handey's book and take them to a burned down barn instead.